Jared Woods is the Sex

One Microscopic Cog In His Catastrophic Plan

From the moment you were born, I felt compelled to entertain you. And I don't mean "you" as in the collective "anybody but me". I mean You. Sitting right there. The person you call "me".

I know everything about you. I have baby photos of you in the bathtub. I have watched you grow and I have grown to love you. When you are sad, I am sad. When you are happy, my life has meaning. It has been like that since you were just a little bean in your mommy's tummy.

I knew someone like you was special. You needed to be entertained. And that is why I set out on my mission to please you. Just you. Nobody else but you can even see this website.

This is your home page, your base-camp, if you like. You see, I will never stop trying to bring joy into your life. And you can admire or despise my progress on this website, it doesn't matter what you think, as long as I know you are here. I will entirely devote the rest of my life to making you happy, even if it kills me.

A Juice is a gift I have made just for you. Some may get wet and fold, and other's will sprakle and sprout. But new ones will keep arriving, old ones will keep being improved and changed until you laugh to eternity. I really hope you like them. Please like them. Please like me.

If this isn't enough for you, I will also attempt to impress you with different blog entries. I will update this often, so please keep coming back... if you want to.

And maybe, one day, maybe you might consider going out with me? No pressure, just maybe a coffee or something?

Love Jared
Little did you know that upon entering this website, you have just sucked Jared Woods' dick.
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